I have been feeling the Lord's prompting to share with you more about this journey of living a life of chronic illness from the age of 7. I know there are many of you out there struggling with your own on-going issues/difficulties and I'm sure we can all relate on some level. Anything that is chronic (webster's definition: persisting for a long time or constantly recurring), is very taxing on the body, mind and emotions. It also affects spirit as well, making it very difficult on all levels. Let me share with you some of my biggest challenges in my life...
It's very, very hard when you are dealing with something like a sickness that just doesn't go away. I SO NEEDED people in my life to support and help me through such difficult, painful and agonizing health issues, but unfortunately, it just didn't happen. (I'm talking about those outside my immediate family) I think the attitude of most people is that sickness should only be for a "time" and if it doesn't lift, they assume you are then dealing with an "emotional/mental" issue. In other words it's an, "it's all in your head" kind of attitude. I can tell you now, this has been harder, much harder to deal with than the actual symptoms of pain itself! The judgements over the years have been so harsh and so hurting. Living life with this digestive issue, I never knew from one day to the next when it would hit. So it made it very hard to plan things with people. For years I didn't want people to know that I was sick, so I wouldn't tell them. I would try to pretend that I was fine, that I could do everything they could do and would make plans accordingly. ( I think I felt ashamed of being sick...of being different..and that it was a weakness in me I should be able to overcome) And unfortunately, a lot of the time, I would be sick and couldn't go and would have to cancel. This created more stress in me than actually being sick! I worried and worried about having to tell them I COULDN'T go, I hated it and feared what they would thing of me...whether they would get mad, which so often they did! I lost so many friends because of it! And because I wasn't fully up front with them about my health, they assumed I was flakey and/or selfish and didn't care about them and the plans we had made. (And the ones I did tell and who knew what I was dealing with, still judged harshly!) This went on for years until my late 30's when I finally had had it! 
I truly found out who my friends were during this process. In my mid 40's, I started to let go of all the ones who judged me and hung on with dear life to the ones who really understood my struggles and loved me unconditionally, whether I could do things with them or not. They were the ones who understood the agony of how HARD it was for me that I couldn't participate in something fun with them! I am SO THANKFUL for these good friends/family in my life...you all know who you are! : )
I had a good friend of mine go through an awful scare of breast cancer. She had her breast removed and went through chemo and came out healed, hallelujah! (It's been 7 years or more and she is still in remission!) It was a 2 year process or so since the time she found out and when she was completed with surgery and chemo and feeling back to herself again. I was with her through the process and something that really jumped out at me, and to be honest, just tore at my heart was this...when people (friend, family, her church family...) found out she had C A N C E R, they jumped at the chance to help and surrounded her with loving support (as it should be!). This went on through out her ordeal, and it was wonderful to see, but also, I have to admit, very painful for me to witness personally. (I want to make sure I clarify something here before I go on...I WAS SO THANKFUL for all the support and kindness she had as she fully deserved and needed that to get through her tough ordeal. What I am sharing now is just my stuff...my hurt of a lifetime of chronic illness and rejection because of it) It was so amazing how, when someone is diagnosed with a definitive "disease," this somehow makes it very real that they really are S I C K. I have never had an actual "diagnosis" except to say that I have chronic IBS, so my issues were vague to others. It was so hard to see this because in my situation of being sick and dealing with constant nausea, pain and inability to eat without symptom throughout my entire life, people's reactions to me were just the opposite. I was judged and judged at times very harshly. I never could understand that?? Why do people automatically go into that place of judgement when there is something they don't understand? I felt as if I was in a continual place where I had to try and DEFEND myself and that I really DID have symptoms and that I really was SICK. WOW, how unfair and wrong is that?? I had wished, many times through out the years, that I could be diagnosed with something...even cancer, so it would make it real for others. So I could feel their love and support instead of the constant condemnation and attack. My first marriage ended due to these issues. Why did I have to go through all this hurt from others when I was going through such misery in my own circumstances? It was something I questioned continually through my teens and 20's and 30's. But the more I got to know God through my own study of His Word, the more I realized this...God allows all things to mold and shape us into what He needs us to be, in order to prepare us for how He is going to use us for His mission. He has a purpose for me and had it planned before I was born! So everything I went through, was allowed to shape me into what He needed to be to...STRONG for His purposes. I knew I couldn't be that if I was carrying around all of this un-forgiveness and hurt inside over the way I was treated all my life, so I placed all the hurt, pain and abandonment on the altar and asked Him to use it for HIS Glory and Purposes. I forgave each person who hurt me, every one of them. This was healing at its deepest. I felt such a release, praise God. I may still have physical symptoms, but I have received the healing of His grace and love.
I now surround myself with only those who are "for me," those who can walk through this with me and love me unconditionally. I have had a HUGE blessing in my life with a close family, my mom and dad, my sisters and their husbands and my brother, who have always walked with me by my side, and have loved and supported me unselfishly all my life. And also my precious husband Michael and my kids and a few very significant friends...don't know how I could ever have come this far without all of your unconditional love. Thank you for being constant in my life! Thank you for being Jesus for me in your unconditional love.God is good. He never gives us more than we can handle. There IS a reason He has allowed me to go through this battle, and I trust in Him that He is GOOD, all the time, so there is good in what He's allowing. I will continue to walk this out, this process of healing here on the island. I know He is with me and loves me. I know I have those special people He has appointed to uplift and keep me going and I will overcome.
I have more I'm going to share with you...I will share with you my experience of going to a children's home at the age of 14 because the doctor's told my parents that it was "all in my head" and I would do well to have some live-in therapy! Wow, what a trip that was! Little did my parents know it was a place for kids whose parents couldn't handle them any longer and needed a different kind of help...but that's another story for another time...
Would love for you to share with me any of your experiences of "chronic" issues and let me know how I can be praying for you now...
Blessings and here's to a "new" day tomorrow with the hope that is through Christ Jesus!
Sue
1 comment:
That was AMAZING to read! I know the story and have lived part of it with you, but reading through it was eye opening and tear jerking at the some time-BIG LOVES, Michael
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