Be STILL and KNOW that I am GOD...

Aloha!  Too unreal...as of August 31st, we will be here a whole year!  Feels as if it went by quickly, but then so much has happened that it FEELS like a year!  Ha!

I haven't written because I tend to recluse when things get hard and I don't want to bring others down thru what I'm going through...but life is both ups and downs isn't it??  And I need to share both because it is LIFE and it's what I'm experiencing so here goes...

BUT WAIT!  Before I share the hard things....gotta share my good stuff first!  Here's some recent images I've had the absolute pleasure and joy of taking...

My son Nick who just moved here to Oahu a few months ago - SO happy to have him here!!!

Heading to see the fabulous view of Lanakai!

View from a hike with Nick looking over beautiful Lanakai

Beautiful Rainbow Shower Trees!

Yep, that's my cute husband Michael!  This is the coolest place to hang out for an afternoon!!  Had a great day!

Most amazing tree ever in the middle of the market place!!

So.... life has not been easy...actually downright agonizing as of late I must admit.  I find myself almost feeling "shame" over admitting this and this is an emotion that God is really showing me I must shed!  I have come to realize that I have felt shame and guilt over this intestinal disease (official name is "IBD" which stands for Inflammatory Bowel Disease)  that I've had all my life.  I have been told by so many in my life that it's all in my head and I must push through the agonizing symptoms and JUST go and do, even when I'm at my sickest, and when I cannot go and do, those around me have rejected and judged me, have been angry with me for disappointing them...also telling me I am selfish and weak and give in too easily...that I don't have enough faith, etc...you name it, I've heard it.  All of these things have crept into my subconsciousness and have become woven into the makeup of who I am, of how I see myself.  I haven't really realized this until lately. Some things have happened in some relationships with family that have brought this all to the surface.  VERY HARD things, but I am grateful, because they have shown me that I have some "housecleaning" to do.  I see the healing that God told me would happen by moving here, is not just about adjusting my diet and removing the negative, harmful foods, but also it's about removing the negative, harmful emotions, the deceptive brain messages as well. I praise Him for showing me this and helping me to see that it's a lie from the pit of hell that has kept me in the pit all my life.  It's a lie I choose not to believe any longer.

Something that's been SO hard and confusing for me is how to live this life, mentally, with chronic illness.  Definitely harder than the actual physical symptoms!  All the years I have tried doing this with different perspectives.  I've tried living as a "healthy" person who is sick - that didn't work because I tried to be appear "normal" like everyone around me and agreed to doing things all the time that I ended up having to cancel because I was too sick to go.  This led people to mis-judge me and think I was flakey and selfish.  Then I tried living as a "sick" person trying to be well.  Unfortunately that caused me to FEEL that was all I was, sick and nothing else!!  I had a hard time showing others who I was under all the sickness and it made me feel worse!!!!  Well, I realize now that it's neither!  I am FIRST, A CHILD OF GOD, A DAUGHTER OF MY KING and I am worthy of His love.  PERIOD.  Secondly, I am a child of God who has a digestive disease that I cannot control and it is not MY fault.  There are things I can do to try and help healing, like choosing to eat optimal foods for my health, but this is not all in my power to heal.  This is SO important for me to grasp and really get deep down into my conscious mind because this is what will set me free.  I have placed all this guilt upon myself, over the years, believing the lies the enemy has thrown out against me, using the important people, including family to bring me down.  Feeling such a weight of condemnation over something I did not create nor can control.  NO longer will I believe it!!  I so see how it is the undercurrent through which everything I do, receive from others and experience in life, is filtered through and it distorts!!  I believe this is true of all those out there who are suffering with a life-long chronic illness!  We not only suffer physically, but I believe that emotionally, we suffer even worse.

I have just started a wonderful book written by Stephen Arterburn called, "Healing Is A Choice" and it's really helping me to uncover a lot of these buried feelings that I have stuffed over the years of others rejection, judgements and misunderstanding of who I am and the resulting feelings of hurt, anger and un-forgiveness in my heart and soul.  God is helping me to feel them, cry over them and let them go.  It's a process, but I'm working through it.  Also have a few wonderful devotionals written by Sheri Rose Shepard that I just love!  She is a woman who has been through so much in her life and has the gift of encouragement and showing us women who we are through Christ and our value.

We just signed another year lease to stay in our little cozy place here in Kaneohe.  Michael and I both feel that God has something more for us to do here.  Me with my healing, and him with the men's ministry at Hope Chapel.  We do feel that we will be leaving, and think it's probably going to be to California.  (Couldn't even imagine going back to Washington with all the cold, darkness and rain!!!)  BUT WE DON'T KNOW.  Only God does!!!  And we are trusting Him to show us the way, taking it day by precious day.

Oh my, I can't forget to mention that we are now grandparents for the first time as of TODAY!  Little precious baby Kale'a was born this afternoon and my heart is bursting.  I will go meet her tomorrow and cannot wait to get my arms around her and kiss all her lovely smoochy stuff!!   So yes, life is HARD, sometimes agonizing, but life is also WONDERFUL and amazing!  It's like a roller coaster ride, up and down and exhilarating!  Without the downs, we wouldn't feel and appreciate the ups so much would we?  And through it all, God is saying to us...

God's blessings over all of you who are reading this and especially prayers for any of you experiencing illness in your lives...I pray first and foremost for healing over you and secondly for God to show you what you can learn through it to be a stronger, better person.  Because that's what I believe, with my whole heart!  That we go through these hard times to grow and shed all the rough edges and become softer better people!

Please share in the comments any of your thoughts or experiences in the area of illness and where I can be praying for you!
Sue